"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales" Review - Javier Bardem Is Great

I apologize in advance to any die hard fans of the Pirates franchise. You know who you are.

Pirates 5 was such a waste of time. I mean that literally. The effects, the spectacle, the acting, and the musical cameos (I LOL’d genuinally at Paul McCartney’s character) are still there. But the wonder and brilliance of what made Pirates such a great franchise is gone.

Probably the one amazing new thing about this film was Javier Bardem. He absolutely rocked as the new villain and was a much better written character than Blackbeard. God bless him for making the most out of that special script.

What made Pirates so good in the first place? I think it was the fact that the effects and the action scenes were so good and the plots had such a great equal balance of imagination and storytelling. Sure, Pirates 3 was a bit too complicated with all the characters running around, but at least you had a ball watching all those mind-blowing and beautiful action sequences and the story made somewhat sense. That was the case in the first 2 films as well to a better extent.

The 4th movie made some big mistakes. Not only was it way too complicated, but it felt so cheesy, and some of the stunts were just way too ridiculous. Plus, with the absence of Will Turner, the 4th film felt so dull compared to the first three. You would think that the 5th one would go and correct those mistakes. Well, you’d be wrong.

Will Turner was as wasted as Jack Sparrow. I would’ve preferred him appear randomly in the beginning of the movie (since it had been 10 years since he’d been cursed) and just ask Jack, “What’s next?” than how he was treated in this movie. The stunts were so unrealistic and stupid as hell (yes, WAY STUPIDER THAN THE FIRST 3 FILMS). Finally, the most important thing, the story. Not only was it complicated, but the ending basically was a cop out. Everything the film was leading up to was thrown in the trash at the very end. And that honestly was what angered me the most. If it had a better ending, I probably would give it more Nebs up.

I hate to say this, but with this installment, the Pirates movie I knew and loved turned into Fast and Furious. Just stupid BS with no purpose and no sense at all, and it’s all just for show. I dare true fans of Pirates who I know will insist that this is good tell me right in my eyes why you loved this film, without saying anything about the action scenes. And listen, I’m not expecting “Avengers” quality blockbuster action, but you have to give me better than Batman V Superman. I don’t take blockbusters as seriously as the Oscars, but that doesn’t mean I’m not critical of them. I expected Pirates to be fun, but also to make sense and have a moderately good story. I got neither. I got a Pirates version of Fast and Furious. With how good the first three films were, I expect better.

One Nebs Down!